Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
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so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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