I think I won the penis lottery.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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