I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
