Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
