then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
