Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Two words: blizzard sex
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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