JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
