It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
