he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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