I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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