im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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