Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't put those talents on a resume
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
