i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I've blown a few things in my day
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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