I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
