So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
