Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
