Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
