since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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