He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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