Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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