how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We don't watch enough power rangers
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
