Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You don't make any sense
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