Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
