Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
