About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
