Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
