Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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