I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
