I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize