Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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