omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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