he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
