you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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