He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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