Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
