I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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