you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
