dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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