I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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