Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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