Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
