well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
