you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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