Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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