If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
