you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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