I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
