...so i touched it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
