do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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