you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
