The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
