the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
