How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
