Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
